Life as an Experiment.

One of the hardest life lessons for me to accept is that “changing your mind” isn’t the same as quitting or failure, two incredibly loaded words in my emotional vocabulary. The perfectionist in me feels so ashamed whenever I start a job or project, give it the old college try, learn that it’s not for me, and bring it to a close. This inner critic scolds me for not being able to commit, for giving up too easily, and for being too fickle and inconsistent. Then, when I start my next endeavor, I’m not only dealing with the natural nerves about starting something new, but also the guilt of prior “failures” and the pressure to live up to my perfectionistic expectations of “success.” It is obviously very difficult to hold a measure of grace for myself, and as a result I’ve found it increasingly harder to get started on the next thing as time goes on.

When I write it out I can often intellectualize my way out of this kind of situation. Like, “Hey, self, you know you have about two dozen interests, so do you really expect to pursue them all, love them all, AND be successful at them all? Okay, Superwoman, good luck with that.” In my less crazy-brain moments, I also recognize that I don’t want to waste time in my life pursuing something I don’t care about just to avoid the unfavorable feelings or negative reactions from others that would accompany quitting.

These thoughts are on my mind as I made the decision to close the doors to my Etsy shop last week. For the past two-ish years, I’ve been basically defining myself as a freelance designer. I’ve designed wedding invitations, both on Etsy and through personal connections, and I’ve helped some small businesses and creative artists with their marketing, design, and social media needs. Last year while we were living in Ireland, freelance design provided me with a degree of flexibility that I wouldn’t have been able to achieve otherwise. And since there’s a lingering chance that Mark’s company could temporarily relocate him for other projects, it seemed logical for me to continue in this manner.

Yet every time I thought about sticking with graphic design and what it would mean to grow as an Etsy shop owner and a freelancer, I felt uneasy. I didn’t outright hate any element of what I was doing, but I was certain I didn’t feel any real passion or enthusiasm. It’s not fun to pour time and creativity into designs, only to have them sit on the virtual shelf on Etsy (which is obviously a very crowded marketplace). For a passionate stationery designer, consumer demand adjustments would just be a standard part of business, but for me it felt pointless. Plus, I disliked the marketing/self-promotion process, and I desired more meaning for my life's work than to “make things look pretty.” Of course I know there’s more to design than that, but that’s all I felt like I was doing, and wasn’t quite enough. I did enjoy creating "fun" projects for my family-- holiday cards, Blurb books, homemade gift labels, Project Life printable cards, etc.-- but those didn't exactly pay the bills.

I found myself saying to friends and acquaintances on more than one occasion, “I’m a graphic designer and have an Etsy shop right now, but I know it’s not something I will keep up with long term.” (And then I'd attempt to change the subject REAL FAST.)

Q: If I already knew that the end would be coming someday, why was I choosing to live in this limbo land of inaction?

A: Because I’m embarrassed to add this to the list of stuff I’ve quit. Apparently, being mildly dissatisfied and fairly indifferent towards my work is better for my ego than to cut my loses and move on. “Graphic designer” was an identity, even if it was one that I didn’t ultimately connect with.

But, seriously, screw that half-assed and self-conscious way of living. What is this life but a series of experiments strung together? How much gentler would we be with ourselves if we viewed our pursuits in this way? As Paul Jarvis wrote a while back on 99u.com, “Experiments don’t “fail”-- they simply prove or disprove a hypothesis.” This line of thinking eliminates the harshness of failure and quitting. There is nothing wrong with us for having given something a genuine try and decided, “that’s not for me.” Not everything you try will be a perfect fit for you. Ignoring the existence of résumé rules and HR representatives for a moment, the number of jobs you’ve had or the number of hobbies you’ve tried (for whatever amount of time) speaks little about what you can do in the future or who you are as a person.

It’s somewhat related to the feelings I had when I wrote about the role of Life Lists for me. We have no idea what kinds of events and experiences are going to change us and in what ways. We can only try something, learn and grow, and adjust from there. And that doesn’t sound anything like failure to me.

I'll leave you with two tangentially-related quotes, which have really been speaking to me these days:

“I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.” ~ Hermann Hesse

and

"There is only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." ~ Aristotle

{Image: path path path by Barbara Agnew on Flickr via Creative Commons license.}