Lately, I've been reminding myself: You can always start again.
Feeling restless? Try something new. Don't like ____ activity anymore? Stop doing it. Don't like where you live or work? Move on, or change your perspective.
As simple and obvious and cliche as this advice seems, it can be too easy for me to worry about the labels I might receive. Flaky. Unreliable. Disappointing. Quitter. While I've come to accept the fact that there is no "one size fits all" life and my path is not going to resemble anyone else's, I'm still working on releasing the need to please and appease the people around me. My ugly truth: I crave external validation. And it can drive a person crazy, trying to both follow your heart and make others happy.
What matters—more than anyone else's opinions or expectations or desire to follow The Plan—is whether YOU want to do something or not. Whether a choice feels good to you, down in your bones.
I've been applying this method of thinking to almost everything I've been doing lately. Take graphic design, for example. Every time I sat down to work on a project for someone, I felt my energy drain and my mood waver between apathetic and mildly disgruntled. Not a good sign, right? But I kept telling myself that designing "made sense." It was the only way I could connect the dots between my education, the jobs I've had in the past, and the place I find myself now. And I kept getting little ego boosts of external validation when people asked me to create something for them or praised my work. Compliments are like a drug to the insecure. And of course I kept saying yes to new projects because I didn't want to let anyone down.
But when I listen to myself, I know design is not something I want to keep doing. There's no big, dramatic reason for this. Nor is there much of a Plan B beyond the desire to open up some space for new interests and ideas to emerge.
I also desired some changes with my blog, so we are starting fresh in this space. I was admittedly inspired by Nicole at Life Less Bullshit, who recently deleted her archive after feeling like she wanted a new start and the ability to evolve personally and professionally.
As it previously stood, my blog wasn't something that I felt good about anymore, which is probably why I hadn't been spending much time on it. In a nutshell, the blog seemed like just another way for me to seek validation. And any blog attention I was getting was for for stuff that I now consider to be of little importance, stuff I've grown cynical of (*cough*capsule wardrobes*cough*). So it's out with the old, and I will rebuild. Maybe the changes in my writing won't even be that noticeable to anyone except me, but I hope to move towards more honesty, storytelling, and heart-driven words.
One last note: I've closed the comments on my blog; that decision goes hand-in-hand with the desire to stop seeking validation. Perhaps eliminating the option to converse defies the point of a blog to some, and maybe it'll eventually make me feel like I'm shouting into a void, but it's something I need to do at this point to let myself find my natural writing voice again. I'm certainly still interested in connecting more personally (something I've always preferred anyways), so I'll be including a footnote at the end of each post with my email and Twitter links, where your thoughts will always be welcomed.
Cheers to new beginnings, whenever you decide you want them.
Did this post resonate with you? Email me at rootswingswanderings {at} gmail {dot} com or join me on Twitter @cait_lindsey to share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you!
