1. Do you know what I'm grateful for? I'm so glad I have grown out of the idea that, as a female, guys make better friends. There was a time in my early college years when I believed this, mainly because I was interested in having fun, doing stupid things, and—let's be honest—drinking, and the boys were always game for that. As I've matured, I've come to value and champion female friendships in a deep, elemental way—so much so that it's jarring for me to encounter women against women. It happened recently, in a room of mostly ladies no less, and the reasoning was the stereotypical "girls are too dramatic/catty/etc." My reactions were as follows: 1) This person needs new lady friends; 2) I feel sad for her; and 3) With those explicit views, this is a person I would not really want to develop a meaningful relationship with—thus, doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy for her? While I'm still on the journey towards deeper, soul-satisfying ladyfriendships (and will be starting from scratch in a new city very soon), the women who are a part of my life right now are beautiful and intelligent and powerful and talented and soulful. I am so lucky for that, and I can't fathom writing off half the population based on your own perceptions. My threshold for friendship is not just what's "easy" or "fun"—I also want inspiration and growth. What would happen if we viewed lady friends as a part of our life's love story? Or maybe as a spiritual practice? Why don't we build each other up instead of tearing each other down?
2. The more women I talk to of similar age to myself, the more I encounter ambivalence towards motherhood. It might be a case of selection bias, since it's something on my mind and in opening up about it with others I'm giving them space to express their own doubts, but it still surprised me to hear my own feelings reflected in other women. I spent a lot of time feeling strange about my indecision. You either want kids or you don't; it's not really a choice you can half-choose! But here I am, and now I see that I'm not alone in the middle ground. I believe my life would be satisfying with children and satisfying without. I want a family (in whatever form that takes), and I want creative pursuits and friendships entirely separate from my family life. Basically, I have a "whatever happens, happens" attitude about having kids, but when you have some physical/health considerations that might make getting pregnant difficult (let's not even talk about my fears surrounding actually being pregnant), it is sort of pushing me to make an intentional choice, especially as the clock is ticking. It's a challenging position to be in. If you're in a similar ambivalent place, just know you aren't alone.
3. I'm currently reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, and it is one of the most intense and heart-wrenching reading experiences I've had in a long time. It's about a group of male friends in New York City figuring out their adult lives post-college. In particular, it focuses on one man who had a unfathomably horrendous childhood that has left lasting emotional effects on him. I'm two-thirds through and think it's an incredible book, but the subject matter is quite difficult and sometimes graphic, and it could be triggering if you are sensitive to depictions of abuse. I think it's going to be a very popular book of 2015 and recommend it if you enjoy heavy, emotional reads.
4. In preparing for our move and temporary downsizing, I've been selling, donating, and purging a ton of stuff. Getting rid of the clutter I don't want honestly feels a million times better than shopping ever has—and I need to remember this in the future. Related: Watching minimalist YouTubers (such as Light by Coco, Carrie Leighanna, and My Green Closet) while I'm packing has been such great motivation for not holding onto unnecessary things.
5. So, I'm excited to move to Portland, don't get me wrong, but I've still been feeling stressed and nervous. It's a huge change we're about to make! I am a person that does okay with change so long as I know what to expect (hello, Control Freak) but right now there are just so many unknowns. Through all the emotions, little signs of Portland have been popping up left and right. While sorting papers, I'd open a random notebook to find an old list of places in Portland I wanted to visit the first time we traveled there in 2007. I'll go on Instagram and see a photo taken of the bridge near our first choice apartment that we just applied for. The Painted Hills I see on Pinterest turn out to not be in China as I assumed, but in Oregon. These droplets feel like hints from the universe that I'm on the right path, even in the midst of the nerves and craziness, and it's a little breath of comfort to me.
While commenting has been disabled on my recent posts, these "Five Thoughts" posts have always been a great place for me to have discussions and get feedback about things on my mind, so I've opened comments for this post. If you have any thoughts or comments to share, please do! As always, I can also be reached by email at rootswingswanderings {at} gmail {dot} com or on Twitter @cait_lindsey.
I am glad you opened comments! Although, I would have emailed you anyway. :)
ReplyDelete1. I feel exactly like this! When I was younger I went through a phase where I guess I thought it made me "cooler" to say guys made better friends. In reality, I think I just wanted attention from guys. Now I'm so annoyed with my former self. I looooove girlfriends and am always looking to support and connect with women.
2. I have two kids, and I didn't ever question wanting to be a mother, but I can definitely relate to wanting it all - I try really hard to maintain that part of me that is ME, my own interests and pursuits, and not just wrapped up in my kids. It's very difficult (especially since I work full-time) with them being so young and needy, but still a worthwhile goal. I also know at least two women very close to me who are in their early-to-mid-thirties who are still ambivalent about having kids, and that's totally ok. It's not an easy decision; it completely changes your life. It kind of sucks that there is a timeline though, huh?
3. I'm avoiding A Little Life like the plague. I like serious books, but I've heard that it is severely depressing and offers little hope. I just can't do that right now.
4. We have been trying to save money and pay off debt, but lately I've gotten this urge to spend money on our house. But really, what I want is a change and I think decluttering and organizing would give me the same sort of high that buying new furniture or decor does. I have actually scheduled a "decluttering day" on our calendar and I have a friend coming over to help and everything! I can't wait.
5. I dream of visiting Portland. It sounds like such an amazing place to live and if we didn't have ALL our family in the same town as us right now, we would probably consider moving someplace fun. I am looking forward to hearing more about it from you!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kathleen!
DeleteFrom reading your blog, I really see how you try your best to balance your own interests and life with your kiddos. That's really admirable, and how I hope I would be if we do have kids.
Oh, man, A Little Life-- I'm done with it now and it was probably the most emotionally difficult book I've ever read. But it absolute stirred my sense of compassion and empathy and made me think a lot about how critical it is to make space for and witness others' scars and painful stories.
I totally understand the urge to fix up your home and decorate. Home decor is one of the areas I like to express myself (especially since I'm not really interested in other aspects of style like clothes and makeup). I think decluttering really does help focus on what's most important in your living space and ends up feeling more "you" without even having to buy anything. A related article I loved about this was called How To Stage Your Home For Living: http://www.becomingminimalist.com/stage-your-home-for-living/
Oh, I totally overlooked the part where you said that you opened comments on this post the first time around (and therefore put my thoughts on Twitter ;)).
ReplyDelete1. I definitely had girlfriends growing up, but I also got along REALLY well with guys.... in my teenage years, I went to a lot of festivals and it was usually a bunch of guys (my then-bf included) and me and it was glorious and laid-back and drama-free :)
BUT: I also very much appreciated and still appreciate female friendships. They're some of the strongest bonds I know.
2. As you know, I struggle with being in my 30's and not really knowing what I want and if I want to be a mother.... I have a "whatever happens, happens" attitude as well and I think that's ok.
4. I am currently purging too and it feels so freeing to let go off stuff :)
5. Can't wait until you're in Portland. It's on my list of places to visit and I'd love to meet up!
Yay, I feel special to get tweets AND a comment from you! Double the San! :) If you happen to visit Portland sometime, definitely let me know. I'd love to meet you IRL!
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